Thursday, March 6, 2014

2:48 AM

I remember sitting in Durango two years ago, wide awake, thoughts swirling in my head about the upcoming AZ trail. I looked over at the clock that read 2:45am and suddenly a deluge of words came out through my fingers and produced this:


and then, a few months later, this:


And here I am, this time its 2:48 AM and the thoughts are not of bikepacking. WHAT? Have I gone mad? Why else would I be awake at this hour and motivated to write if it were not about bikes?

My insomnia comes from a heavy heart. A heart that is confused and hurting to reach a person it knew from three years ago. But my heart hates to acknowledge that pesky devil--reality--and is guilty of being blind to see that three years does a lot to us. It numbs us, exhausts us, beats us down and causes us to quietly acquiesce in many areas. My heart is very guilty of only remembering the good and assuming that everything should resume where the happy, fun, exciting memories left off.

So it hangs on to unhealthy and damaging associations, hoping for the same person and the same situation from the past...

Stupid, stupid, stupid heart.

A parting of ways was inevitable. Rapidly approaching and clear to anyone looking in and clear to my logical brain. But oh, the power of my damn heart. Give, give, give, try, try, try. Again, again, again. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Stupid, stupid, stupid heart.

But, I think I am going to just let it be stupid for a few hours right now. I am going to allow myself some time here in the silence of the early morning to just walk through and relive the old memories in my mind. I want it to fondly and happily remember a time that was different. I want it to remember the laughter, the exhilaration of shared adventure, the miles, the ideas, the conversations, the innocence of sorts. I want it to remember this in a healthy, loving and motivating way.

But more than anything, an accepting way. To learn to accept the harsh realities of humanity, that no matter how much it opens and gives and tries and loves that it will not always receive the same in return. And that hope for such to be reality must die. That hope must die right this moment. Because this is now and that was then.

Stupid, stupid, stupid heart.

It is time to find gratitude for the things you learned, a way to cherish the good memories of past days, an acceptance for how things are today and a new hope that in parting, this person thrives, lives, laughs. loves, grows for the rest of this life and always listens and follows that

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful heart.

New energy and life, strength and motivation all arise from pain if one embraces it as it comes....

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