During the past couple of weeks, many times this question has crept into the darkness just before I close my eyes and fall asleep. I thrive on blunt, raw and difficult questions that slap me alongside the head, so I have been welcoming and subsequently wrestling with this for a while.
I remember a girl who just simply loved everything about being outside and feeling her heart, lungs and legs make a bike go in a forward direction. A girl who was in every sense of the word--a trail rat. Any trail that was open and legal to ride--the longer the better--was my own exhilarating adventure. An exhilarating adventure in every sense of the word. I didn't give a fuck who knew I was going to go ride it, that I was riding it or that I had ridden it. The noise of the world was relatively silent.
Or, more accurately, I had very little desire to listen,
I did not inundate myself daily looking at the same pictures and posts, reading the same scripted shit, the same complaints, the same six adjectives used to describe every weekend with friends, the sagas of every physical ailment, the incessant arguing and smug opinions....and on and on. I did not find myself shaking my head and lowering my face into my palm for my "friends" who hashtag 26 times after their posts. I had no desire to block people who were just too fake. I did not feel an ugly and growing disdain for the marketing (and mass promoting) of each new, amazing, 'best ever' product that came out. I did not have trouble turning down the volume and ignoring it all. I was not overwhelmed, frustrated and numb.
I stared at the ceiling last night thinking about how to write about New Zealand amidst this deafening noise. I am struggling to find a reason to even share it. I want to write in a way that is poignant, engaging and funny. One moment I want to tell of my quirks, strengths, emotions, passions and interactions and the next I have myself convinced it is a waste of time and effort. Why does it matter when it will just become part of the noise? A noise that all sounds the same anymore.....
So, yeah, I am struggling a bit as I return to our homogeneous, noisy culture. I spend too much time berating myself for not being better at silencing it and am grasping for my proverbial earplugs.
I need to not just remember, but reconnect with who I was.
My brain (and I suspect yours as well) is not designed to handle an onslaught of surface level, fleeting quips of information on a nonstop basis. The effects of this onslaught are taking a toll. You see it and I see it. If you don't....wake up!
I am hunting for my earplugs, because the noise is just going to increase and is definitely not going away. I am calling myself out to "turn the quiet up and the noise down" in a sustainable way.
Then I will have something to SAY....not share.
|The Rermarkables from Coronet Peak Rd...Queenstown, NZ Photo credit Tom Harris|