Sunday, September 7, 2014

Entry #9

"The urge to run, the restlessness, the heart of stone I sometimes get, the things I've done for foolish pride, the me that's never satisfied...."
      -Tim McGraw Cowboy in Me

credit: Jason Rich

From the Tour Divide journal, my thoughts from the day's events and pedaling, written at 3am from my bivvy alongside the road, Como, CO. I started in Sargeants that morning and pushed until I found an acceptable power pole upon which to rest a weary bike and beneath, a weary, but thoughtful, girl:

My heart skipped three beats and ferried sideways in my chest cavity. A couple of seconds passed that did not involve inhaling.

Then the hammer dropped.

My hammer.

My internal hammer. The force that crushes immediate emotional reaction for the sake of social comfort for all. I took a deep breath now that I was capable of oxygen intake and pictured the blue-handled Estwing hammer I used to help my dad fix fence with as a kid crushing a small rock into pieces. My mind is complex and makes instant connections when searching for understanding. Some are a stretch, but I was actually satisfied with its current analogy of the rock in pieces all over the ground.

Jill. It is done. It means nothing.

He is unreachable. You have known that for much longer than you will admit. Part of that is your fault and you don't get the forgiveness you requested for this one. Pedal away. Many miles to go tonight still and hopefully there is water in Hartsel.

You are a selfish SOB who has chased your own ambitions to high elevations, remote, hot deserts and absolutely epic experiences and put them before relationships. Unintentional but true. You want it all and you want to be the fastest at it all. You put epic first, everytime, in a fury to prove your strength to yourself.

How many drivetrains, chains, frames, brakepads, pedals, shoes, kits, socks and gloves have you completely worn out in just the last four years? Are you done? Are you satisfied?  Have you heard "I want to do fun things but not at this intensity" and "You are a go-big person, I am too, but not like that" for the last time? Has the deep lonlieness and longing for a genuine connection finally trumped your selfish obsession?

Have you finally realized you are a freak, and always will be, but you can't keep ignoring your human instincts? That it is time to honor and fulfill your need to love deeply, give unselfishly and love a man more than your goddamn bike?

Jill, you already know which force is stronger within you. You need love. You need to belong to someone you adore. You need to share your dream of a tiny house in the San Juans, your little horse barn connected to your little bike barn. You want to drift off to sleep in your backyard hammack wrapped up in a strong set of arms. Waking up underneath your bike on the trail at 3am with your lights still on makes for a good story, but maybe its time to realize this:


You have proved this to yourself time and time again. Is your brain finally satisfied? Can you listen to its lonely words for a change? Are you ready to tackle your true weakness--aka your selfishness?

Are you ready to find some balance, crush the walls around your heart, embrace some vulnerability, bend so every relationship doesn't end up breaking in the end and love like humanity is meant to love? How about making that your epic pursuit?

Live now. Love now.

Bikes and miles don't mean shit if the cost is ignoring your humanity. Time to wake up and stop making the same selfish mistakes. Look at the future that lies before you. Time to stop wasting time trying to reach those who are truly unreachable to you. Forgive yourself and move on.

And sleep.

As I look back and share my roadside ramblings, this is all I have to add today:

Allow balance to happen. It will if you stop and let it catch up.

I bought one of these on my 30th birthday in New Zealand. I am not a huge trinkety jewelry person but it caught my eye after I got to Queenstown after the Milford Track. I bought it to remember a magical place and later found out it means balance. It broke this May. Universe talking to me? Probably. I have both pieces next to each other. I think it is high time to find the superglue. Literally and figuratively.